I am reminded of them when I see the remodeling in our home as we transform the back bedroom into a baby room.
I think of them when I teach beautiful children with braided hair and beads.
I think of them when I give myself permission to peruse the baby clothing section at Target.
I think of them when I see kids books at the book store.
They are always on my mind, and sometimes even in my dreams. To date, I have had 4 adoption dreams. In my first dream, I was handed a toddler boy; I could feel him in my arms. In the next dream, I saw the beautiful smiling faces of a set of twins - one boy and one girl. They were standing up, just above the knees of an adult behind them wearing blue jeans. The next dream found me holding a swaddled infant boy in my arms.
Last night was my 4th dream. Last night's dream was closer to reality than the others have been; you see, in last night's dream I was just waiting. I found myself in what seemed like an airport terminal. A large room with uniform chairs held waiting families, mostly women. Through the large sliding glass doors on the left of the building was a single-file line of Ethiopian children, all heights and ages. In my dream, when a bell rang it meant it was someone's turn to meet their children. I knew my time was soon - maybe just a few days. I couldn't make myself leave the room. I would sleep there, stay there, until I met my child.
Then I woke up.
I didn't even get to see them this time. I didn't get to hold them. I was just waiting.
Waking up from dreams like this is hard. Somehow in the dream it feels like we're so much closer to being parents. When I wake up, our house is quiet and the questions of where and when and who still remain out of sight.
This morning as I processed the dream and tried to move on with my day, I grabbed a onesie my friend Anne bought me. I touched the soft, pink fabric and smiled thinking about whose little body might fill that tiny onesie someday. It helped me feel closer to our child(ren) even though they seem so far away.
I'm making my child(ren) wear this. No matter if they are both boys or if they are too big by the time they get to my house. They will wear this onesie because we have wanted them for so long. We have waited for them for so long. We have wondered who they are for so long.
Now, I just hope the days aren't too much longer as we wait...
