True Confessions: New Job Blues

When I became a mom, I left my out-of-the-home employment and began clocking in and out at our home.  Some days I delight in the fact that I can lay down on the couch and put my feet up when my daughter is sleeping, and if I want to I can wear my pajamas all day!  The perks are numerous, but there are also drawbacks.

Sometimes it feels confining.  There are days when it's a struggle to get out of the house between naps.  I find myself running around trying to pack a diaper bag, find the missing shoe and gather my own belongings before we head out the door.  Just as we're about to leave, there will be a diaper emergency or a hair emergency or we ran out of time to go and won't get back in time for the next nap.  It's a LOT of time at home.  I guess that's why they call it a stay-at-home-mom.

I miss my commute.  When I worked outside the home at my two jobs, I had a commute between 10-25 minutes.  That was great time to crank the music, process the day, and let go of work before getting home.  I don't have that separation anymore, and it's hard for me to let go of the frustrating things from the day and hit the reset button when 5:00 rolls around.  I'm trying out a few ways to make that separation, but I haven't found anything that's worked well yet.

I'm on call.  All the time.  And it would be so grand if I got paid like a doctor who's on call.  There was one particularly trying day last week (read: awful, awful day) when both Feven and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I can't remember why, but I had cried twice before 7:30am.  Then just as I was in the middle of eating my breakfast, she - standing right beside me - began grunting and twisting up her face.  Yep.  Dirty diaper coming.  It wouldn't be so bad, but she does this EVERY DAY when I'm eating my breakfast.  It doesn't matter what time I feed her or what time I eat, she always poops while I'm eating.  And I gotta tell you, my breakfast does NOT seem as appealing when I come back to it after changing one of her diapers.  So I trudged into her bedroom and reluctantly peeled the diaper back.  The anticipation is the worst.  Except this time.  The diaper was actually worse.  Even though I tried to breathe only through my mouth like Zac taught me, I still caught a whiff.  Incredibly awful.  I thought to myself, "Okay, that's it.  I'm taking a mental health day today.  I'm calling in and I'll use one of my sick days and...wait a minute.  I don't have time off!  I can't call in sick.  Ever!"

That's when I cried for the third time.  Sheesh, it wasn't even 8am yet!

It hit me so hard.  I can't take a break.  This is my job.  Every day.  All day.  There are no sick days, no mental health days, and no vacation days. 

That day I felt stuck.  I felt trapped.  I just wanted off the ferris wheel.  

True Confessions: I Chose This

Becoming a mom via adoption was a 3-year process for me.  For three years I've longed for and dreamed of this little one.  Of course I imagined some crying and a few sleepless nights, but it was all hypothetical and I focused more on the hugs and smiles.

When I became Feven's mom, I fully understood how much time and energy it takes to parent.  Gone are the days of hobbies and time with friends.  Gone are the restful nights.  Gone is the feeling that I have it together.  Gone are conversations with my husband.  Gone are the days when we had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and stare out the window (that really happened!)

The first few weeks of being a parent I would think solemnly, "I chose this."  Shortly followed by, "What was I thinking?"  I chose to be a mom and went through a 3-year arduous process for this?  For this lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of space, lack of sanity?  This was my choice?  Why?!? 

It certainly hasn't been an easy transition, and I've shared this with many friends who have all offered nice reasons why such as,  "Maybe it's harder because you and Zac have been married so long before having kids," or "Maybe it's so difficult because you jumped right into the toddler stage without going through the baby stage."

I think I know the real reason.  Parenting is hard because...well...because you have to meet someone else's needs before your own.  Oh sure, marriage gave me a little taste of that, but even in marriage I could spend a lot of time and energy doing things that I wanted to do.  Also, Zac and I have a lot in common so shared activities were a lot of me getting to do what I liked to do anyway. 

With Feven, I have to feed her first in the morning then see to my own breakfast afterward.  I have to think about how many errands I want to run and how many she can handle.  I have to hold her tight when she's screaming her head off to let her know that I'll always be there for her no matter what.

I'm learning selfless love.  And that's hard.  Some days I want my simple, predictable life back.  That life seemed overwhelming at times, and now I just laugh at what I used to think was overwhelming.  If I could go back and tell Amber of the Past one thing it would be this, "Look out, girl!  You won't know what hit you!"

But I chose this.  I am sticking to this.  This has meaning and value far greater than anything I've done before in my life.  I chose this.  And there are many daily rewards that reinforce that it was a good decision.

Weeding

My dear, sweet cousins came over yesterday to help me with some projects.  This is one of them that made the most difference and makes me smile each time I walk by.

Check out these massive weeds before:

 

And now the after...Look!  There were actually plants there!

Simply Amazing.

Up North

We met some of our dear friends at a Bed and Breakfast up north this past weekend.  Feven took her very first paddleboat ride...

...got help from a friend in the swing...

...and stopped to smell the "roses"!  What a great vacation!

The Park

The weather here has been just gorgeous the last two weeks.  Finally it feels like you can be outside again!  We took a trip to the park recently, which is quickly becoming one of Feven's favorite places.

She likes swinging...

And going down the slide all by herself...

And playing peek-a-boo with mommy!