Monday, August 27, 2012

True Confessions: I Chose This

Becoming a mom via adoption was a 3-year process for me.  For three years I've longed for and dreamed of this little one.  Of course I imagined some crying and a few sleepless nights, but it was all hypothetical and I focused more on the hugs and smiles.

When I became Feven's mom, I fully understood how much time and energy it takes to parent.  Gone are the days of hobbies and time with friends.  Gone are the restful nights.  Gone is the feeling that I have it together.  Gone are conversations with my husband.  Gone are the days when we had nothing better to do than sit on the couch and stare out the window (that really happened!)

The first few weeks of being a parent I would think solemnly, "I chose this."  Shortly followed by, "What was I thinking?"  I chose to be a mom and went through a 3-year arduous process for this?  For this lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of space, lack of sanity?  This was my choice?  Why?!? 

It certainly hasn't been an easy transition, and I've shared this with many friends who have all offered nice reasons why such as,  "Maybe it's harder because you and Zac have been married so long before having kids," or "Maybe it's so difficult because you jumped right into the toddler stage without going through the baby stage."

I think I know the real reason.  Parenting is hard because...well...because you have to meet someone else's needs before your own.  Oh sure, marriage gave me a little taste of that, but even in marriage I could spend a lot of time and energy doing things that I wanted to do.  Also, Zac and I have a lot in common so shared activities were a lot of me getting to do what I liked to do anyway. 

With Feven, I have to feed her first in the morning then see to my own breakfast afterward.  I have to think about how many errands I want to run and how many she can handle.  I have to hold her tight when she's screaming her head off to let her know that I'll always be there for her no matter what.

I'm learning selfless love.  And that's hard.  Some days I want my simple, predictable life back.  That life seemed overwhelming at times, and now I just laugh at what I used to think was overwhelming.  If I could go back and tell Amber of the Past one thing it would be this, "Look out, girl!  You won't know what hit you!"

But I chose this.  I am sticking to this.  This has meaning and value far greater than anything I've done before in my life.  I chose this.  And there are many daily rewards that reinforce that it was a good decision.


  1. And isn't it so eye opening of the love our Father has for us?? We are what we see in our kids that drives us nuts sometimes...God puts up with so much more from us and is so patient and loving, still choosing to die for us!

    Praying for you, Amber. While it's always a challenge, it does seem to get easier. And this stage of life is for such a short time... then it will be something else :)

    P.S.... while trying to type this, Charlie came over and spilled a glass of water all over me and the couch...hahaha

  2. Yes, yes and yes! You said it perfectly. I find parenting to be the best, most valuable thing I've ever done, but it's haaaaaaaaaaard.

  3. Amen to that. Parenting builds selflessness, and you wonder how life was before children. Becca and I appreciate your words and honesty. I got up 30 minutes ago at 5:30am to get things done and exercise. I never thought I would daily choose to get up that early. As it happens, my 2-year-old also got up, at the same time. So, no exercise for me, at least not right now. I am watching Nemo with her, doing a little catching up with the world, and letting my wife rest a little longer before she has to meet others' needs all day. is good. ( daughter just nestled up to me.)