Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Quiet for Awhile

So...I've been quiet for awhile.  If you check my blog regularly you may have wondered what's going on...

Did she go on a stellar vacation to some exotic island?
Did she come down with a bug?
Did she decide to stop blogging for the summer?
Did she get writer's block?

The answer to all of those is no.  Although the top one would be my favorite reason out of all of them.  I've just been...I don't know...quiet.

May turned out to be quite the emotional month. 

Mother's day came with all its memories of wanting to be a mom in years past and the overwhelming emotions of being a mom now.  In addition to my own celebration of mother's day, I also remembered in my heart all those who are waiting to be mothers and the feelings they might be having on mother's day.

Shortly after that came Feven's birthday and the night before her birthday all I could think of was her birth mom.  So many tears thinking about the brokenness of the world as I prepared to celebrate Feven's birthday the next day.

Then it was Feven's birthday - a family celebration doing all her favorite things all day on her birthday.

Three days later was my birthday and as the day went on I began reflecting on the last year, the year ahead, and what I've accomplished with my life.  You know, light birthday thoughts kind of things. 

And in between Feven's birthday and mine came the news that made the world stop spinning.  An adoptive mama friend of mine, Amy, lost her 2-year-old daughter when she was struck by a car in a parking lot.  When I heard the news I was in utter disbelief and my heart ached and I cried.  I met Amy last summer on an adoption weekend retreat.  That weekend we traded stories about our daughters, about adoption and about life in general.  Looking at the photos of that retreat now, it's hard to imagine the innocence we had then and the devastation we all feel now.

I've been processing a lot since the death of sweet Marra.  The week immediately following her death I was depressed and didn't feel like doing anything.  I thought about what it would feel like to be Amy, thinking back on the last time she held Marra, not knowing that would be THE LAST.  The last time she dressed her, tickled her, bathed her, changed her diaper.  All those things we take for granted everyday.  After hearing of Marra's death, I found myself holding Feven more.  I savored our moments together more.  I cherished wiping her hands off after a meal, chasing her around the house to catch her to dress her, playing pretend with her, holding her and reading her books.  I was reminded that life is fleeting and fragile. 

And so I'm quiet.  I'm thinking, reflecting, wondering, praying, and crying.  Still crying. 

So I'm here...I've just been quiet for awhile.

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