Monday, September 3, 2012

True Confessions: Epic Failure

I don't get it.  I look around and all I see are these stay-at-home-moms who look like they have it all together.  Their kids are polite, their clothes are trendy (and clean!), their houses are clutter-free, and their refrigerators are covered with the latest cute craft projects they did with their children.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like a failure as a parent.
I had all these dreams for things Feven and I would do together, but each day it seems all I can do to get us both dressed, fed, and put to sleep at night.  No cute picnics at the park.  No craft projects.  No swimming pool adventures.  Just survival.

I feel like a failure as a homemaker.
Catching up with chores after she goes to bed keeps Zac and I busy until 9:30 or 10pm.  And that's just dishes, laundry, and cooking, friends!  Don't even look at my dirty windows, check for dust, or go downstairs to the basement.  There are MANY neglected areas since becoming parents.

I feel like a failure as a friend.
I've always been good about getting back to people and caring for my friends.  i. just. can't. anymore.  So many things are dropping from this delicate juggling act I'm trying to perform, and communication with friends is one of them.  I worked my tail off to clean up our email last week, and after spending hours and hours returning emails, I still have 31 emails to respond to.  Facebook messages are worse: 52 messages to respond to and countless events that I have missed or not responded to.  And don't get me started on my phone.  I listen to most messages, but then save them so I can call back at an appropriate time.  I don't check my saved messages anymore because I'm scared to know how many are there waiting for me. 

I feel like a failure as a wife.
Zac?  Zac who?  It seems that even though we are under the same roof and spend 7 awake-hours together each day, our relationship has looked more like a relay race than a bicycle built for two.  "Here, you start feeding her the cottage cheese and I'll warm up the spaghetti." (hand-off of food).  "Here, you take her and get her diaper changed and I'll get her bottle ready." (hand-off Feven).  Sometimes I sit down on the couch at 10pm, exhausted and back aching, and I look over at him.  It's then that I realize I haven't even looked him in the eye all day.  This is my best friend, the person who I committed to for the rest of my life.  This isn't life.  This is survival.  I want to thrive. I want to be a best friend to my husband.

It's hard feeling like a failure.  If there was one area where I didn't feel like I was failing, I would at least have a little hope.  But it feels like I'm flunking all areas.  I shared this with a friend recently, and she passed along a great blog post that seemed to speak directly to me.

Check out this post entitled, "Dear Sweet Mom Who Feels Like She's Failing"

I hope it encourages you as much as it did me.  It made me start to believe that maybe I'm not a failure after all.

Also, I cannot compare myself to others.  Then I will fail to be the me that God created me to be. That is the most epic failure of all.  If you are feeling a little down on yourself today, check out this song which Feven and I love.  It reminds me to be who I am.


  1. Amber, I'm a home-maker too, and my house is disaster. All the time. But I *try* to think of it this way -- you know the idea of fat-shaming? How people shame themselves and others because they don't look like models? I think of my non-perfect house along the same lines -- I don't let myself clutter-shame, or weed-shame. I don't look like a model, and my house doesn't look like a magazine. But I'm happy, and healthy, and lack of utter tidiness is not a moral failing. (Despite what my mother may say...) It's not always easy, but know that you are doing great!

  2. Amber, your honesty is so touching and heartfelt. I am just now beginning to officially "follow" some of my favorite blogs (because of that total shortage of time you mention!) - and I can't believe how well you've done in documenting family life since you've been home with Feven. Now, THERE'S something you cannot deny as a success!

    I so completely understand what you are feeling, and I'd like to think that any mom who can't relate is choc full o' BS. ;) Even though I wasn't a first-time parent when Acacia came home, it was my entry into the SAHM world. It was rough. Both kids were in diapers until recently, and there were days I felt like I might as well just stand by the changing table all day and wait for them to come to me.

    There is SO much I could say on this topic, and instead of hijacking your blog, I will probably write my own post soon! But, please reach out at any time to vent, relate, etc. You aren't alone... and that writer is correct - you aren't failing either.