Last week I stopped by a friend's house and was asked the simple question, "How are you?"
The truth was that I was fine and happy and blessed, but a string of complaints came out of my mouth when she asked me. I felt like a complete moron, babbling idiotically about all the yuck in my life. I drove away kicking myself and proceeded to beat myself up for about an hour afterward.
You want to know the truth? I even cried out of frustration with myself at what an idiot I sounded like. Why can't I get things right? I want to seem put together and always say the right thing and be uplifting and peaceful and someone she wants to be around. Instead, I listed all of the tiny things wrong in life and hardly even asked her how she was! I've analyzed the scenario quite a bit, and I think in part I wanted to be real and not sound as if everything was GREAT. However, I also didn't have any specific good things in mind.
From this experience, I realized that I want to think of something positive each day that I can say if someone asks me how I am. I want to have an experience or positive thought on the tip of my tongue to share. If I'm not doing well I'll say that, but I've had more good days than bad lately and I want my words to reflect that.
What's on your lips? When someone asks you "How are you?" what is the first thing that pops into your head? Is it a complaint or an encouragement? Take some time to reflect on this today and be prepared to answer honestly when asked this question. I hope to see you around town so I can hear your reply!
Dear, dear Amber... "I want to seem put together and always say the right thing and be uplifting and peaceful and someone she wants to be around."..don't we all? But at the same time, the people I find myself wanting to be around the most are the people who are honest about their shortcomings, can admit when they are feeling petty and sulky and sad, can laugh at themselves, and can allow me to do the same. Life isn't all roses and rainbows, and we shouldn't try to pretend otherwise--or expect anyone else to. I'm sad that you are so hard on yourself. I love and miss you. I wish we could have a cathartic coffee and cry date, because sometimes life just really does suck, the end. I find once I just get that out there in community with good friends, THEN finding a place of genuine peace and gratitude is so much easier. Be gentle with yourself. <3
ReplyDeleteMandy, one of my constant prayers is that I will be easier on myself! I like to blame my perfectionism on my status as a first-born, but it's also a skill that I've honed as I've gotten older.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that we must be real. For some reason the majority of people in our society (myself included) like to appear put-together whether or not we really are. In doing so, we do ourselves and others a disservice. I hope to be honest in my blog and in my life about the things I do struggle with. In voicing our struggles, we let others who are struggling know that they are not alone.
I miss you too, by the way. :)